I want you to want me

null, Agnes Callard (University of Chicago)

Abstract: Consider the world that includes: dating, breakups, crushes and jealousy; the magnetic pull of attraction to someone who you know might not be good for you; the devastation of being rejected by them; falling in love; the distinctive experiences of “romance”—romantic evenings, romantic gestures, the deadening feeling of knowing that the romance is gone.  I argue that what unifies all these phenomena is a paradox about reciprocal wanting: if I want you to want me, and you want me to want you, it does not follow that we want each other.  Grappling with the reciprocity paradox is what makes an ecounter, or relationship, or mental state, erotic.   I explain why sex is erotic.